Officials announced this morning that in order to start recuperating some of the rapidly growing national debt, the United States Federal Government will begin selling off national parks to real estate investors and theme park developers. Although this decision will no doubt be a highly controversial one, government officials see no other way to start making a dent in the tremendous deficit our country has accumulated.
In order to minimize the impact of the loss of some of the nation’s most beloved landmark areas, the government will require theme park developers to build around the natural features of the land wherever possible, or at least incorporate the characteristics of the former national park in all the attraction’s features, as a way of paying respects to the national heritage that once stood in its place. For example, the Delicate Arch of Utah’s Arches National Park could be reinforced to contain a Reverse Bungee, a popular fairground ride that is comprised of a seat held between two elastic ropes that are released suddenly to catapult the rider vertically, spinning all the while. While this attraction has contributed to some tens of deaths worldwide, the risk is minimal compared to that of tourists standing in awe on the edge of the towering cliffs of Arches National Park.
Developers will also be required to first purchase national parks that are of little aesthetic value to the American people, such as Joshua Tree National Park in southeastern California. Consisting almost entirely of rocks, dirt, and cactus, Joshua Tree National Park is the kind of place that typically leaves tourists scratching their heads in confusion about what could possibly be special enough about a desert the size of Rhode Island to garner national admiration. Polls have shown that both American and non-citizen tourists alike are rather comfortable with the nation having just one area the size of Rhode Island — that being the easterly and similarly flat state of Rhode Island.
Government officials speculate that Americans will hardly notice its absence once the new amusement park is built, which is rumored to feature 3 golf courses with cowboy-themed saloons every third hole designed by pro golfer John Daly, as an homage to the great frontier movement that established the western side of the country.
Because there just isn’t any other possible source of revenue in these trying times of economic hardship, the US Federal Government is confident that selling national park land is the right move. Click on the picture below to find out which national parks will be the first on the chopping block.
Top image via Ken Lund
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